There is an interesting post over at Manuela's blog about when adoption is the right decision for the child in question. At least that's how I interpret the post. It's made me sad to read her thoughts and her observations. It has made me question adoption and it put me in a true tail spin yesterday. Now Manuela is a good person and she was only being honest in her opinion and thoughts, so I have nothing against her. I guess I only have sadness over how much merit might be there. It's made me question my decision to adopt which is a horrible thing, because emotionally and financially we are so invested in this. I hate second guessing myself. This whole process makes me second guess everyone of my decisions.

Holding Pattern has decided to adopt. Part of me wants to cheer her on and part of me wants to make her think more about it. Would I have been so hesitant to cheer her on before reading Manuela's post?

The weird email I got from the first Bmom we were matched with really hurt me. I think it might have been either an accident that she sent it to me or she might have thought it would make me feel better. I don't think there was anything to it other than that. I'm sure she's going to keep her child and be a good mom. Yesterday however, I rolled my brain upside and down trying to figure out if it was a test she was giving us? Did she really want to place with us? Had she changed her mind? Were there other couples she liked too and the first one to respond to her was the "winner". Yes, I'm embarrassed to say, these thoughts crossed my mind.

We go in next week for blood work to see if the immunology specialist can detect any problems with our ttc issues from that standpoint. Our adoption agency still hasn't any news for us. But as of this morning, we have had 349 hits on our web profile, nearly 100 more than we have had any other month, including our first month on the web. My crazy brain, once again plays games on me. My latest mind game is: maybe we have been chosen by a bmom but the agency is not telling us until she is closer to her due date and she has been showing everyone she knows the great couple she has chosen to parent the baby and that's why we have so many hits. I know, it's crazy and stupid.

Oh, and to make matters worse, we need to throw a little guilt into the picture, because my brain isn't tortured enough. A girl on one of my adoption buddy groups has had her profile shown 33 times and has never been matched! I feel bad for her and her DH. I also feel guilty for complaining. At least I know two people thought of us as parent material.

I know that our agency has sent at least 9 of our scrapbooks (Profiles) out. They emailed me last week to let me know they needed a couple of more scrapbooks, they were down to one. I had new ones sent directly from the printer, they should have them by now but as expected, nobody at the agency has called or emailed me to let me know if they arrived. I'll have to check on that today. I don't want to deal with anything today. I really just want to crawl back in bed. This isn't a side of myself I like, nor one that I like to expose, even on a blog. It makes me feel like I won't be good parent material if I can't even stand the waiting process. What if a potential bmom who wanted to choose us stumbled upon my blog, would she dismiss us because of my winey, emotional ramblings?