The Meeting

First, let me just say that I wish I could have had a hidden camera on me like they do for 20/20 or Dateline, so that you all could have seen the meeting. Instead you are stuck with my dismal description. (Which I'm warning you is very long)

We received a warm welcome from the "adoptive couple counselor" (further known as ACC) and I could tell from the beginning she was worried about why we were there. The birthmother counselor we worked with on the first failed match, who we liked very much ran into us in the hall while we were waiting for the owner of the agency to meet with us. She was warm and friendly and big hugs were exchanged, which were sincere and nice. She asked, "are you here to give her (points at ACC) a bad time"? I smiled and said, "no, just to discuss some things". ACC then said, "no, they are here to give ***** (further know as Owner) a bad time". To which I said, "no, not really, we are here to figure out some things".

So Owner walks in and he starts off very strong with the You-poor-guys-have-been-through-hell speech. He tells us that we are not the common example of what their clients experience and that nothing he can do or say will make us feel better about the failed matches. "Not even finding you the perfect baby is going to take away the hurt you already experienced". It felt good to hear it but I know this was all part of the blowing smoke up our butt routine. My wonderful husband jumped right in and said that we are disappointed on a number of levels, starting out with the agency chosen by our agency to do the homestudy and how they screwed us around and how they were unprofessional. Owner acknowledged our disappointment. Alex pointed out we were told that this agency had a less than 5% disruption rate (failed matches) to which ACC pipes up and says, "I never quoted less than 5% disruption rates". Owner started to speak, Alex started to speak and I finally said, "What, stop, hold on! I took excellent notes, which I still have in my file, that clearly show that you told me on more than one occasion that this agency has a less than 5% disruption rate". I proceeded to tell her almost verbatim the conversation that transpired and I asked her, "don't you remember that conversation"? The reason I knew she would remember that conversation is because she repeated it to me when we attended an agency cocktail party back in March. She had used a stupid sales pitch on me, which didn't effect my decision to go with this agency (but she thinks it did, because she boasted about it in front of us). She said back then, "maybe, we are not the right agency for you". So I asked her, "don't you remember that conversation, you were very proud of your statement about this agency possibly not being the agency for us"? She said she did remember the conversation but she never quoted a less than 5% disruption rate. I was adamant and said, "you absolutely did"! Owner pipes in and says, "we do experience a far less rate of disruption than the national average and while I don't have a specific number for you I can tell you it is under 10% for sure". We moved on.

The next part of the conversation was about the feedback we haven't received from the agency. We asked point blank about whether or not we should change our scrapbook or our online profile. Owner went over all of our information and basically pointed out something that we hadn't really thought of and that is we have only really been marketed a total of 7 months and we had been chosen 2 times. Here's the math: we were up on the web site and our scrapbooks were at the agency in March, we were matched by the end of June (4 months). Than we were off the market for a month than we were matched again in September (within 2 months) than we were off the market for a month with the last failed match and now we have only been waiting another month for a grand total of 7 months. It was a valid and important point that two people, desperate to be parents never really looked at.

The next part of the conversation was the attorney bill and the hurt from the last match. Alex had been doing the majority of the talking except when I jumped in about the less than 5% disruption rate. He was cool, calm but very strong when he said we received a lot of pain and a ridiculous bill from the other attorney. Owner said that they have already called that attorney to see what can be done about the bill and that if that attorney won't cut the bill to a more resonable amount, than the agency will cut their legal fees (backdoor it was the term he used) to make up for that. He was very apologetic and sympathetic. For some reason about this point I got emotional and started to tear up and said, "Do you know the circumstances of that failed match, did anyone tell you the story? This wasn't just a failed match for us, this was a devastating emotional journey and I think about this baby boy daily!" I proceeded to tell him the details about what the monster who is now going to be called "daddy" plead guilty to. I started to cry and I said, "everyday I think about him, I wonder how many weeks old he is, is he safe, do they love him like we would, every day"! Owner really did seem sympathetic and proceeded to tell us how sorry he was and tell us a story about another couple who had a failed match and how they wanted to know the same thing. He told us they found out by accident a year or so later that the child in that match was placed for adoption to another couple and that the child was doing well. It did make me feel better.

The next topic was the snarky remarks about race and matches. Alex asked if we were considered by owner and or the agency as bad people because we wanted a Caucasian child. The answer was no, absolutely not and that it shouldn't be a problem for us to get matched with a Caucasian baby. Alex made it clear that we had received comments from ACC about the fact that we, "don't want to budge on ethnicity" and how we took that as a snarky comment. Owner agreed, ACC didn't and she got upset with us and said she never encouraged us to change our racial preference and, she never, blah, blah, blah. My sweet little hubby snapped at her like I have never seen him snap before. He told her he had heard the comments and read the emails! The tone of his voice shut her up and let it be known that we know her game. Even Owner wanted to move off the subject. He told us, if you wanted a African American baby we could have a match for you tomorrow, if you wanted a Hispanic baby, we could have a match for you next week but it is not a problem to want or to match with a Caucasian child and that we are not bad people for wanting a Caucasian child. He told us they had lots of Caucasion birthmoms and that race wasn't an issue and that matching us isnt'a problem and that if we looked at the math, we would agree.

At that point in the conversation he sent ACC out to find some papers. Alex explained very clearly to Owner that we were tired of the remarks made by ACC. Owner assured us he would speak with her.

The conversation ended with us being told they were sorry, they are working on finding us a secure, perfect situation and that they are committed to putting a smile on our face and finding us a baby. I felt he meant it as much as he could. I don't trust them 100% but I don't feel we jeopardized ourselves by meeting with them. I think we simply let them know we are active, concerned and anxious and we don't want to be bull sh*tted around.

I actually left there feeling better than when we got there. I'm proud of my hubby and the way he handled things. I loved the way he defended my statements and jumped in the middle of ACC. I think we did choose a good agency because in the end, I think they are really all about the same.

My advice for anyone dealing with an agency. Don't worry about what you imagine the repracutions might be for talking with them, call them. Tell them your concerns and hear them out. As long as you are not rude, or too over bearing, I think it will work in your favor. Your are your own best advocate.