I don't think I can do this
I don't think I can do this anymore. I can't blog about anything specific regarding our adoption journey. I don't even know if I can adopt anymore. I don't know if all this emotional pain is worth it. I think I would rather donate my body to infertility science than have to deal with the lies, betrayal and gossip that has hurt us so much.
Today I believe was the beginning to the end of this journey. I received an email from someone that I wasn't suppose to get and boy did it surprise me. I know I'm probably not making any sense right now but my head hurts from crying and I'm so upset I can't think straight and I'm afraid to type anything more specific than this for fear of who reads my blog now. You see no matter how much someone seems to like you and no matter how much they pretend to be looking out for your best interest, it's lies all lies.
I didn't play the game. Some of you warned me. You warned me to just get along. Well, I didn't. I can't stand playing games and letting people get away with lies. When someone lies to me and I find out I call them out on it and it has come back to haunt me. I don't regret standing up for us and even though this journey isn't working out the way I wanted it to. I know I can live with myself for standing up for what is right. I have the respect of my husband and my own self respect and that's more than I can say for the people who made the mistake of lying and treating us poorly. I know that when I say something I stand behind it. If I'm wrong I own up to it and I make apologies and make things right. I don't hide behind others or place blame elsewhere. I don't spin things so that they don't seem as bad as they are and I don't lie to get myself out of trouble.
I can't say the same for our "partners" in our adoption journey. I feel the knife in my back right now and I can't sleep tonight because of it. I don't know what our next step is and I don't know how to handle anything regarding this situation. Heck I'm so upset I don't remember if I took something for my headache a few minutes ago or not.
Once again I'm sorry this is just unintelligible ramblings. I'm just so upset that I can't think straight and I'm afraid to be more specific right now. This is horrible and I hope nobody else adopting ever has to be made to feel the way Alex and I were made to feel today. It's awful, its cruel and it makes adoption a very ugly thing to us right now. I hope we can get over this but I'm starting to doubt it.
posted by Away2me @ 10:24 PM
14 comments
14 Comments:
I am so sorry that you are in such pain. If there's anything I can do, don't hesitate to ask.
Hugs,
Kate
OMG - what happened?? Sweetie, I'm here if you need me. Call me.
Remember, this agency isn't the only agency in the world. There are other agencies out there that will be able to help you find your baby.
We are all here for you!
Love,
Julie
There are a LOT of idiots in this world. Please don't let one of them ruin your dreams. We are here for you if you need us.
((((Deanna)))
Kellie
Ditto!! I have been labled a "problem client" and it does suck. It is hard to keep up the faith but I, like you, refuse to let these people get away with it. I am here if you need just a quick email away! Hugs!! Dennise
I'm so very sorry that you're so hurt right now! Who sent you the email, was it your agency or one of your possible bio-moms? Can you give us a summary of what it said?
If you're worried about negative people reading your blog, you can blog at Xanga, and put people on a protected list. Please don't stop blogging about your journey, my DH and I are beginning the journey ourselves, and feel a sort of kinship to you. We're having problems too, though of a different sort.
once again, I'm sorry that you are hurt, but you do have readers who sincerely care. :hug
For what it's worth -- I know you're invested in this agency, but just in case you weren't aware -- you don't *need* an agency to adopt a child in the U.S.! Why don't you adopt privately? This is why my husband and I are doing -- you establish your own birth mother contacts, and don't need to worry about how many times your portfolio is being shown by some agency. It's 100% legal, all you need is an experienced adoption lawyer, and the willingness to put yourself out there through advertising/word of mouth. Here is the web site for the organization we have been working with:
http://www.ffpa.org/index.php4
Hang in there, Deanna!
Oh Deanna, I am so very sorry. I gather it's some problem with your agency since I know one of the workers there has lied to you in the past. It is not right that a liar should have so much power over your life. Please know that I am giving you an Internet HUG.
And don't feel pressured to confess the details if you worry it might make the situation worse. We all want to help you.
I am so sorry. I don't really know what else to say.
Keeping you in my thoughts, Deanna... I'm so sorry you are hurting right now.
I am so sorry. I can't believe that someone would hurt you like this.
big (((hugs)))
Deanna, I am so sorry, whatever occurred. Thinking of you and hoping things look up soon.
--Bugs
Whoa, that sounds terrible. This is the first time I've read your blog, so I hate to give you advice, but I think some of the other commenters are right to suggest that you find another agency and don't give up on your dream.
I'm sorry you are going through a rough time right now. I haven't posted here in awhile, but I think of you often.
I agree with some of the other posters here. If you're not happy with your agency, change to another one. There are a TON of agencies out there. Just make sure the one you pick is licensed, and has a good reputation.
I hope things settle down for you soon, and you find a path that will lead you to a happy, stress-free adoption!
Don't give up on your dream just because of one idiot, or one stupid agency. Change things and make your dreams come true. :-)
Sandy
**hugs**
Deanna....words seem inadequate..but know that you and Alex are in thoughts.
Blessings
Mary
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