I'm all screwed up!

So, Alex and I talked last night. We are going to go back to the RE and try getting pregnant again. I guess. I suppose. I hope. I don't know. I think he is mostly doing this to make me happy. I know we will love our child no matter what form it gets to us, adoption or biological. I guess I'm wondering will the child love us? That seems to be my hang up. Do I really want to be the mother of a child who is looking for her bio connection in 20 years? I'm beginning to think that I can't handle that. I'm beginning to think that I'm not cut out for the drama that will probably take place when some wonderful fertile women hands me over a child she created and carried for 9 months.

These questions keep popping up in my head: Do I really want to meet her? Do I really want to tell her about us and worry that she'll change her mind after we get our hopes up? Will I want to send pictures of the baby to her or will I only be doing it because I have to? Will I want to have to explain to my child about adoption and how he or she was "born in our hearts", blah, blah, blah. I'm sick of people chanting about open adoption. I don't like it and I don't think it's fair for kids. And if you have anything to say about that keep it to yourself!

So I ordered the Fertile One that Dr. A had told me to order for Alex back in December, before we decided to adopt. They never could tell us why we were not getting pregnant but the only test that was "iffy" was the DNA Fragmentation test. Alex's boys needed to come back with a 30% or less result and they came back at 30.1%. So that was considered a very "border line" issue. As I type this I am picturing all the RE's we have been to with their white lab coats on, their warm smiles on their faces and their thumbs up there asses! Funny, I picture our adoption "counselor" (whatever that title means) the same way right now. Could all this be because I'm...? Guess what? I counted, I looked, I checked, I'm on cycle day 24!

I really think I am all screwed up!